TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town historically known for historical lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed in the Placing environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the very best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully from put. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable water. But yes, confident, let's have A further spot exactly where American men can dress in robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: offer you everyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly tender electric power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It really is that he must halt utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the venture, replied, "You are aware of, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people today. Excellent tan. In any case, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping varieties a large Trump head seen from House, a element currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as chin is… properly, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits right after discovering the developing's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It can be not just hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Confusing Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A Trump Tower Damascus silent atrium where attendees may perhaps ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Approach: "In case you Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is presently attracting attention from Global traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll purchase a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount may even consist of:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to see a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge exactly where my PTSD may have convert-down assistance."


Another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It wanted gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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